WHEN YOUR KID MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE
You know your child. But sometimes you don't understand them.
You know their favorite snack. The exact voice they use when they're about to lose it. What makes them laugh until they can't breathe.
And still—there are moments when you look at the kid you know better than anyone and think... what is happening right now?
won't listen
meltdown
forgot again
too loud
arguing
overwhelmed
working memory
regulation
starting
big feelings
What you see isn't the whole story.
A VERY NORMAL TUESDAY
“I asked you three times.”
and yes they absolutely looked at you
“Can you put your shoes on?”
“Okay.”
Five minutes later...
No shoes.
“Are you kidding me?” feels pretty reasonable.
And this is usually the part where your brain goes, Why are they doing this?
what else could this bePICK THE ONE THAT SOUNDS POSSIBLE
Same missing shoes. More than one possible story.
Pick one above and let's look at what might actually be happening—and something you can try.
OH MAYBE
They meant to do it. Then the instruction disappeared.
Working memory is the brain's temporary holding space. Sometimes they really did hear “put your shoes on”— it just didn't stay there long enough to become an action.
TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE
Give them one next step instead of the whole morning at once.
OH MAYBE
They know what to do. Getting started is the sticky part.
Knowing and starting aren't always the same thing. They may understand the expectation and still struggle with the jump from not doing → doing.
TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE
Shrink the start. Give them the first move, not the whole mission.
OH MAYBE
You said shoes. Their brain was still in the thing before shoes.
Switching attention can take more effort than it looks like. The new instruction may be competing with something their brain hasn't left yet.
TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE
Help them exit the old thing before giving the new thing.
OH MAYBE
The shoes aren't really about the shoes.
Hungry. Noise. School all day. Sock seam feels wrong. They've answered approximately 847 questions. Sometimes your request simply lands when their system has almost no room left.
TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE
Keep the expectation, but check the state of the kid receiving it.
Ohhh. That might be what's happening.
Understanding changes what you do next.
It doesn't mean every behavior gets a pass. It doesn't mean the shoes don't need to go on. It means you can respond to what's actually getting in the way instead of only reacting to what it looks like from the outside.
now you have somewhere to startTHE INCONSISTENCY TRAP
But they CAN do this.
So why does it sometimes look like they suddenly can't?
Did the whole thing alone.
Needs you beside them just to begin.
Can focus for two hours on something they love.
Lasts ten minutes on something boring.
Held it together all day.
Falls apart over the wrong cup.
Every detail about the thing they love.
What you said thirty seconds ago.
If they can do it sometimes, that tells us the skill exists.
Ability isn't the same as access.
A kid can know how to do something and still have a harder time getting to that skill depending on what's happening in their brain, body, and environment right now.
ABILITY
What they know how to do.
ACCESS
Whether their brain can get to it right now.
TRY THIS SHIFT
“But I know you can do this.”
“What's making this harder to access right now?”
Maybe it's too many steps, hard to start, boring as hell, overwhelming today, or missing enough support.
They're not a different kid today.
The conditions changed. Their access may have changed with them.
same brain different conditionsTHE TEACHER SAID THEY HAD A GREAT DAY
And then they got home.
and the wrong snack bowl apparently ended civilization
Sometimes “fine all day” tells you what they managed to hold—not how easy the day felt.
TRY THIS AFTER SCHOOL
Build a landing zone before you ask for the recap.
For the first little bit, try less input—not more.
You can still have expectations. You can still address rude behavior. You're just not asking the most depleted part of their day to carry the most demands.
The meltdown may happen at home.
The hard part may have started hours earlier.
WHEN A SIMPLE ASK BECOMES A WHOLE THING
“I literally just asked you to...”
how did we get from one request to everyone being mad
put your shoes on
start your homework
get in the shower
turn it off
come downstairs
get ready for bed
Sometimes the task isn't the hardest part. Getting into it is.
A request that sounds like one step can quietly ask their brain to do a whole string of things first.
TAKE “GO GET READY”
That one sentence might quietly require all of this:
Tap the part that tends to get sticky.
THE USEFUL PART
Make the doorway smaller.
Not the expectation. The way into it. Pick a sticky spot and see what that can look like in real life.
IF STOPPING IS HARD
Give their brain a little runway.
Ending something interesting can be its own task. A heads-up can reduce the collision without changing what still needs to happen.
IF SWITCHING IS HARD
Help them leave the first thing before starting the next.
Sometimes the new direction lands while their attention is still somewhere else.
IF STARTING IS HARD
Give them the first move.
“Get ready” may be too vague when their brain is already stuck. Make the starting line obvious.
IF THERE ARE TOO MANY STEPS
Stop handing them the whole list at once.
Give one or two pieces, then come back for the rest. This works for little kids and very capable teenagers.
IF THE TASK FEELS HUGE OR BORING
Shrink the commitment.
Starting a miserable-looking task gets easier when they aren't mentally committing to the entire thing.
IF CONTROL IS PART OF THE FRICTION
Offer choice inside the boundary.
The expectation stays. They get some say in how they get there when there's room for it.
And because repeating the exact same sentence but louder has historically not been our most successful strategy.
Reduce the friction. Not the expectation.
Support can change how they get there without changing where they need to go.
make the doorway smallerWHEN THE REACTION IS WAY BIGGER THAN THE MOMENT
“But it was just the wrong cup.”
which is technically true and also somehow not the whole story
The size of the reaction doesn't always tell you the size of the trigger.
IF THEY ARE ALREADY THERE
What does overwhelmed usually look like for your kid?
START HERE
When they're already at a nine, fewer words usually beat better words.
Pick what their overwhelmed tends to look like. You don't need a perfect response—just something that helps you stop adding more load.
WHEN IT COMES OUT LOUD
Lower your volume before you try to raise their reasoning.
Long explanations, rapid questions, and arguing the facts usually add more input when their system already has too much.
TRY LESS
“I'm here. We're going to figure this out when things are calmer.”
Space, fewer words, a quieter voice, and physical safety first.WHEN THEY GO QUIET
Don't mistake less reaction for more capacity.
A kid or teen who goes silent may still be completely overwhelmed. Pushing for an explanation right now can make getting words even harder.
TRY LESS PRESSURE
“You don't have to explain it right now. I'll give you a minute.”
Quiet company, space, water, movement, or simply time may help more than questions.WHEN THEIR BRAIN GETS STUCK
Stop trying to solve every thought in the spiral.
When their brain is looping, answering every “what if” can accidentally keep the loop going. Bring the moment back down to what is happening right now.
TRY NOW
“We don't have to solve tomorrow right now. Let's handle this minute first.”
Ground in something concrete: feet on the floor, cold water, a short walk, one next thing.WHEN EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH
Reduce incoming information before adding another demand.
Sometimes the most helpful move isn't another coping instruction. It's turning down what their system is being asked to process.
TRY LESS INPUT
“Let's get somewhere quieter first.”
Dim lights, reduce noise, pause questions, offer headphones, movement, pressure, or space depending on what actually helps your kid.Regulation isn't pretending the behavior was okay. Boundaries, repair, consequences, and problem-solving still belong here. They just tend to work a whole lot better once both brains are actually available.
You don't have to teach in the middle of the storm.
Help them get through it. Come back to the lesson when you can both actually use it.
calm comes first